Me and My Thoughts

I’m a very competitive person. I’m used to setting high goals and do everything I can to achieve those goals. And I rarely failed!

Having said that I do understand that accepting failure or lost is not what I’m good at. For me, everything has to be controllable. That is no such thing as coincidence or "force major". Everything should be anticipated and there is nothing that can not be solved. I always make plans in advance and try my best not to be derailed from it.
Even nowadays, as I grow older and wiser, every little derailment or impulsive behavior that I did serve a consequence for me. At least, emotionally.

For having such a strong and tight ‘manuals’ for myself, I expect others to behave the same. Making plans, setting higher goals, working extra hard, striving for perfection and prepare themselves for every error that might happen.
And I always think that if I could be the best.. if I could get the best, why should I settle for a second best?!?

For the past few months, those (perhaps you think nonsense) principle suddenly backfiring at me. Why? Coz’ I’m in love.. with someone who’s not even close to those standards… to things that is uncertain.. to situations that can not be anticipated, to feelings that I don’t know how to handle.

I’ve tried to have faith and patience. I’ve tried to alter my principle by implementing all those craps about being positive (not because it’s what I see, but because by doing that I’m hoping that the flaws will not be seen). But yet.. here I am.. writing this blog with abundance of emotions waiting to be exploded! It’s just not working. My acceptance is only on cognitive level. I’m knowing, not understanding. Well, perhaps I’ve tried to understand, like I empathized to my clients, but that’s it. I’m not doing it!!! It has boundaries and distances between what I really feel and what I think I know of.

I couldn’t take my guards down. I can’t stop using my defenses.
I’m so scared of hurting.. and losing.. again!

Even if I know the pain will ease away, the thought that I have to get through it again really frightened me. And I’m afraid eventually I will choose to follow my heart… I will choose not to be hurt, in any ways… even if that means I have to be all alone, again.

I need the best.. I want the best.. and I won’t settle for anything or anyone less.

If there is no such thing.. if there is no one like it, then I shall live myself alone.
Coz’ in the end it’s only me that I could count on…
And there’s only GOD that I could depend on…

I appreciate everything I had, but still… I want more!!!